The Last Word

Editor's Note: This column was written in November of 2020.

My boss pinged me on slack last week reminding me that she needed me to complete my portion of the write-up for our cycle review. Of course, of course.

I was so focused on the Washington Football Team coming out of the bye week, it had slipped my mind that it was due at the end of the day on Friday.

At 2 a.m., I finished my story and decided to push through on the review. I knew it wouldn’t take that long. Review your performance from May 1 to Oct. 31, it asked. Looking at my statistics, I realized I easily had my best cycle at The Athletic.

But leading up to this self-assessment, I felt completely unlike myself. I was procrastinating on work. I couldn’t focus. I knew I had good stories in mind, but I couldn’t bring myself to actually put words on the page.

I was angry with myself and extremely frustrated. But when I got to the final section of my review, asking me for any additional context for my numbers, it finally dawned on me—I did everything I did in the midst of the hardest chapter of my professional career.

In May, I was called a n***** on Instagram live while interviewing a player. George Floyd was murdered shortly thereafter, and once again, the country was forced to grapple with racism. I lost a boss in June due to layoffs because of COVID-19. My experience of being sexually harassed became public in July.

Football picked up in August, but covering a losing team came with its own set of challenges throughout September. One of my oldest mentors and boss left for another company in October, and then there was the election anxiety.

No wonder I wasn’t able to focus. I haven’t dealt with anything the way I need to or given myself the time to decompress. But in my mind, another round of battling imposter syndrome felt inevitable. Talking down to myself mentally is my go-to, actually.

I tell myself that I’m not the same person that left the Philip Merrill College of Journalism with nine internships and three jobs. I’m not the same person that wrote 95 stories at The Oklahoman. What about the intern who contributed to The Baltimore Sun’s A1 coverage of Maryland’s move to the Big Ten as a sophomore or the one that broke the news of professional soccer returning to Oklahoma City?

That version of myself didn’t struggle like this. People have an almost impossible time believing exactly how hard I am on myself. Savoring success is a completely foreign concept. I’m always trying to one-up myself, so I don’t enjoy my work.

As a result, depression is a nemesis I’m too familiar with. I struggled with hair loss – something I’m extremely sensitive about—due to that depression. And to offset that, I went through an extended manic episode—the kind where you disregard all other basic needs for the euphoria of focusing on and completing a task. And while that level of focus helped me be productive, the personal cost was too high.

I saw a quote recently that read, “if you don’t make time for your wellness, you’ll be forced to make time for your illness.” The chest pains, migraines and general anxiety I deal with are all symptoms of being so hard on myself, and then not giving my mental and emotional health the attention it deserves.

The way we talk to ourselves—kindly or harshly—plays a major role in how we feel about ourselves. I ask people reading this to be kind to themselves. Talk to someone you trust. Feel how you’re feeling. Don’t hold your emotions in. Don’t let them consume you until you feel bad physically. Be proactive when something is off.

Acknowledging your feelings or that something isn’t right takes strength, and don’t let anyone convince you that to discuss these matters outloud is for the weak. Putting yourself out there in any way, especially when it opens you up to criticism, takes tremendous resolve, and no one must deal with the feelings you have besides you. Don’t cheat yourself out of feeling better by not opening up.

Rhiannon Walker ’15 covers the Washington Football Team for The Athletic. Prior to that, she worked at ESPN’s The Undefeated, where she spent extensive time writing profiles, historical features and covering all major sports. She is a Prince George’s County native and is a proud graduate of the University of Maryland’s Philip Merrill College of Journalism.

If you or a loved one are struggling or in need of mental health support, the following resources are available at a national level; the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) HelpLine can be reached Monday through Friday, 10 a.m. –6 p.m., ET at 1-800-950-NAMI (6264); via text by texting ‘NAMI’ to 741741, 24 hours a day, seven days a week; or via email at info@nami.org for confidential, free crisis counseling. 

Visit NAMI online at www.nami.org/home for more information.
For additional mental health resources, visit umterps.com/terpstalk.

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Because we’re in this together, you are not alone.